Dean Winchester: I hope your apple pie is freakin’ worth it!
Gregory House: Wanting to believe in the best of people doesn’t make it true.
Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I’m stupid.
Sheldon: That’s no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.
Will Graham: Poor Dr. Du Maurier. Swallowed whole, suffering inside Hannibal Lecter’s bowels for what must have felt like an eternity. You didn’t lose yourself, Bedelia, you just crawled so far up his ass you couldn’t be bothered.
Dr. Newton Geiszler: Hey! Guess who’s back, you one-eyed bitch? And you owe me a kaiju brain!
Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Hilarious, everyone. Looks like we got more Lucas hounds here to mock Roddenberry. Congratulations, gentleman, but I would like to see your Darth Vader take on one Borg drone. And we’ll see who’s laughing then. Am I right?
Windows: Darth Vader can put the entire Borg collective in a vice grip with his mind.
Admiral Seasholtz: Uh, Darth Vader has asthma, so name me one Star Trek character with a respiratory disease, ’cause I’m drawing a blank.
Linus: Name me one Star Wars character who’s gay.
Hutch: Beside’s you.
Admiral Seasholtz: Well, no one’s gay in Star Trek, so why would I even do that?
Linus: Captain Picard.
Admiral Seasholtz: Okay. Captain Picard is not gay. He’s British.
Windows: [in a swishy voice] Come on. “Make it so!”
Sarah: That’s not fair!
Jareth: You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?
Woman: Are you the Ethereal Lucy?
Monte: That’s Lucy the Ethereal.
Woman: And who might you be?
Monte: Monte… the Emasculated.
Barry: You know, I couldn’t have done any of this without you.
Harrison: I feel the same way about you.
Raymond Reddington:: If you kill her, you better kill me, or I’m going to kill you.
Harry Hart: [Quoting William Horman] “Manners maketh man.” Do you know what that means? Then let me teach you a lesson.
Whitey Bulger: [from trailer] Hey, buddy. I need you to listen very carefully to what I’m saying because there are lessons again and again throughout your whole life. You gotta learn from these things, right? It’s not what you do, it’s when and where you do it, and who you do it to or with. If nobody sees it, it didn’t happen.
Lindsey Cyr: Jimmy, he’s six. You really think that’s the best thing to be telling your kid?
Whitey Bulger: Yeah.
Pam: HOLY SH*TSNACKS